Letter to my 26 year old self

I turn 36 today! Where does the time go? It has been a crazy time for us, with no end of that in sight. And I have found myself frustrated with life. I hate it when I'm not in control. And a find myself looking back to another time when I felt like that, when I turned 26. That was a rough year, changing jobs and losing my dad. So I am writing a letter to my younger self in reflection.

Me, 9/16/2000, Cincinnati, OH

Dear Me (at 26),

I wanted to wish you Happy Birthday! I know you are getting ready to go live it up at Oktoberfest in Cincinnati . Have a great time and have a potato latke and Lynchburg Lemonade for me! This trip will be a great memory for you. A trip with Roger and Joel that all three of you talk about still today. One of your last carefree birthdays.

I write now because I know what a hard year you have in front of you even though you don't know it yet. You will out grow your job and feel like you have no where to go. You will find a new job, but it comes at a great price in the long run. And you will suffer a great loss when Dad dies. It will be a crippling pain like no other you have ever felt. I can only describe what you will feel as standing on a bridge and watching that bridge fall into the void in front of you. You will have no idea how to get across the void. But I promise, you will find a way. But you will be left forever changed in how you see the world.

I know right now you feel frustrated with yourself and life. You are not where you wanted to at 26. You feel you should be advancing faster at work, making more and doing more. You feel bored with it all. You are so ready to be done with all the work already. You want to be on top of the world. Slow down and enjoy this time, all of that won't happen over night. So, enjoy the time you have. It will be gone in an instant.

It is not all bad, you will have great adventures and know the most amazing joy. You will get a passport and go on your first cruise to the Caribbean. You will make that trip to the United Kingdom that you are Roger are talking about. You will see Seattle and NYC. You will finish your MBA and I still feel that is one of my greatest achievements. It will also be a wonderful experience for you and a time you will always remember. You will, after a long struggle, become a mom. And while it was a trying and difficult time, it is also a time where you will learn more about yourself then you ever thought possible.

Right now you are focused on your career, doing everything you can towards this goal. Extra duty at work, the MBA program and networking outside of work. These all help you land your next job. A job that has all you want and more, including a lot of headaches. But it is a good job at first and helps you to get a glimpse of the world that Roger wants to be in, Medicine. And it gets you where you want to be and helps get Roger to where he needs to be.

You won't believe me, but you change your priorities and dreams along the way. You still have the same values and compassion. Those don't change despite what people tell you. Money doesn't change all of that. But in six years, almost to the day, you will walk away from the career you are fighting so hard for now. And you will be better for it. You learn that in the end, you don't want to pay the price for that success. You blaze a new path towards new goals and dreams. And now, 10 years later, you are on a completely different path. You are knee deep in the mommy business and you love it. Staying home with the girls is hard, but it is what works for your family and you have learned that is the most important thing.

I wish I could say all the fear and anxiety go away. They don't. You will make mistakes, lots of them. But I can tell you that it will all work out. You will be okay. I have to remind myself of that even now. Things will happen. Things that will cause you great pain and frustration. You will often wonder why you? The question to ask is Why not you? You are and will be blessed with people that love and care for you along the way. And it is those people that will help you get through. So don't focus on those who disappoint you, focus on those who lift you up. They are the ones that matter.

Over the next 10 years, you will grow and change. It is a time you will learn that we are not truly in control. And you will learn to trust the power that is, for God always knows the path. There will be hard times and there will be good ones. But I wouldn't change that because these experiences helped to make me the person I am today. And for better or worse, I'm okay with who I turned out to be. I am far from perfect and I'm sure my 46 year old self will write to me one day saying many of these things again. But I look forward to those years as I continue to grow. So, have a great birthday. And buckle up! Enjoy the ride that is the years to come.

Love,

Me (at 36)