Seven Years

I don't usually post things this personal, but with everything that has happened over the last few weeks I felt compelled. My dad died seven years ago today. A strange parallel to what has happened in the last few weeks. He also died of lung problems, he had severe asthma which he had struggled with for years. He too had been a smoker, but had quit over 10 years before he died. He also was too young to die, leaving behind young grandchildren and those yet to come. He was 51 when he died, I was 26. And I remember feeling like all the thoughts I had of the future had faded away. But I did live on, and I made new plans and dreams.

Over the last seven years there have been many times I wondered, what would Dad have thought about that. Whether it was something in the news or in my life. But I did learn from him, in life and in death. He was usually cautious in life, but at times did take risks. A few years before he died he left a job that he was unhappy with and moved to Las Vegas to find a job. He and my stepmom had loved vacationing there, and they both loved living there. At the time I worried for him, but I knew that he was doing what he needed to. I drew on this latter in my life when I too left a job that I wasn't happy with to pursue other things, most importantly, motherhood. Roger and I also used this in our lives, we want to do things we want to do, and have no fear about tomorrow. Because you just never know what that will bring.

And I think of all the things he missed. My graduation for graduate school. Roger's graduations for college and medical school. I know he would have loved to tell people his son-in-law was a doctor. And most importantly the arrival of my children. But because of my girls, I know he is up there, watching us each day. Since the day Jena was born, I could see him in her. She has his eyes. And every day when she looks at me, he looks back. And while I miss him still everyday, I know he is with us. And while he would not agree with every decision I make (he never did). I know that I am living on my own terms, just like he did.